These days, reality is a bummer.

Wait. what? I couldn't poop this morning.

Sixteenth-sies. Shoot yourselves.

There are some charts in the back where I kept track of shape, color and consistency. Disgusting. No, what's disgusting is he's still keeping track.

Good evening, and good morning to our viewers around the world. I'm Dave Skylark.

Wall Street had swallowed me up and shit me right back out again.

We are broadcasting from a station outside of Pyongyang for this very special edition of Skylark Tonight.

FYI, that's when the Imodium gave out.

Well, heads up, we're doing crap-your-pants scary on account of the contest, so I just hope we don't offend you over here in candy land.

Well, let's see, I know that she has a meeting with her lawyer and then she has to make a very big poop.

Don't knock. Just walk in. Why be polite to the world's leading expert on the dung beetle?

However, let's get real. I know asking high school seniors to be abstinent is like asking a porcupine to poop goat cheese. Yuck.

Yes, I did in fact survive on a deserted planet by farming in my own shit.

See, Gary? Life is crap. Welcome to the human race. But the good news is, you're not alone.

So, I was right. I took a rash of shit for two years, but I was right. And everyone was wrong.

I think it has to do with my working late. I said some things that I didn't mean, and he threw some feces.

Well, if you're gonna go to all that trouble, you could've at least given him a steadier hand. This looks like shit.

Let me ask you a question. What did I ever do those first two minutes without you? Oh, you cried, and you crapped a lot. Sounds about right. Yeah.

Yeah, you see, I turned out pretty all right. Which might surprise a lot of folks considering the fact that 36 years ago my life started with you leaving me on a fire station doorstep with nothing more than a ratty blanket and a crap-filled diaper.